President Still Learning How to Drink Water

Several White House cabinet members have revealed that President Donald Trump does not know how to properly drink water; yet they are working diligently to remedy the problem.

“We started him off slowly by showing him videos of various farm animals – you know – like cows and horses, but he nearly drowned in a large barrel of water,” stated Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue.

Luckily, Acting Secretary of Health and Human Services, Eric D. Hargan, was there to resuscitate the President.

“We estimate that he was out cold with water in his lungs for about 2 minutes, yet somehow his brain functions have remained exactly the same,” said Hargan.

Several sources say that Vice President Mike Pence was in the room and actively encouraged Hargan to not save Trump, but instead ‘Let him go into the light to be at peace with Jesus’ – a notion that was entertained by the cabinet. These deliberations accounted for an additional minute of the near-bucket-drowning.

“Over the course of several months, we have managed to teach him – with incredible and striking limitations – how to both unscrew a bottle cap, and drink water,” added Perdue.

However, Trump will only open a bottle of water while holding it to his side and far away from his face.

Perdue stated that, “This is due to an incident where water shot up into Trump’s eyes and nose when he squeezed the bottle too hard and shook it – much like his signature ‘grab n’ jerk’ handshake.”

Additionally, while attempting to put water into his gullet, the President always makes noticeable eye contact with one of his many ‘water handlers’ for cues and approval.

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