White House cabinet members have revealed that President Trump does not know how to drink water, but they are working diligently to remedy the problem.
“We started the president off slowly by showing him videos of farm animals drinking from a trough – you know like cows and horses – but then he got cocky and nearly drowned in a barrel of water,” stated Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue.
Luckily, Acting Secretary of Health and Human Services, Eric D. Hargan, was there to resuscitate the President.
“We estimate that he was out cold with water in his lungs for about 2 minutes, yet somehow his brain functions have remained exactly the same,” Hargan stated.
Several sources say that Vice President Mike Pence was in the room and actively encouraged Hargan to not save Trump, but instead ‘Let him go into the light to be at peace with Jesus’ – a notion that was entertained; adding an additional minute underwater to Trump’s near-drowning.
“After several months of training, we have managed to teach Mr. Trump – with incredible and striking limitations – how to unscrew a bottle cap, and sort-of drink water,” Perdue stated.
However, Trump will only open a bottle of water while holding it to his side and far away from his face.
Perdue stated “This is due to an incident where water shot up into Trump’s eyes and nose when he squeezed the bottle too hard and shook it – much like his signature ‘grab n’ jerk’ handshake.”
In fact, while attempting to put water into his gullet, the President always makes noticeable eye contact with one of his many ‘water handlers’ for cues and approval.
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