Bill Preventing Members of Congress From Watching Porn at Work Stalls in the Senate

A bill proposed by U.S. Senate member Kamala Harris (D-CA) that would ban all members of congress from watching pornography while at work hit a surprising wall of opposition today. The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into what appears to be an inexplicable, one-man filibuster.

The proposed law, which was introduced to the floor this morning by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnel (R-KY), was actually supposed to be the first order of business over a month ago on August 12th. However, when asked by initiating senator Kamala Harris during parliamentary procedure that day why he had skipped the issue, McConnell stated, “Point of order, let’s not kill true love today.”

During the exchange, McConnell was seen on CSPAN visibly turning a color similar to that of a blood orange, and then immediately moving on to another matter of business that would ultimately continue to limit the nearly non-existant health care for Veterans.

Today, when McConnell brought Harris’ bill to the floor, which is entitled the “Forget All Pornography At Work Willingly” bill, or F.A.P.A.W.W., he had a clear, begrudging tone in his voice, likened to that of a elementary-school-aged student who had just been told to finish his peas or go to bed without dessert.

Upon the finishing of the procedural introduction of the bill, Ted Cruz (R-TX) immediately shouted, “Permission to speak freely!?” in an echoing, emotional, yet somehow guttural and primal tone.

Speaker McConnell granted this request as the two shared a long, knowing, and locked eye-contact for close to 20 seconds. Then, Senator Ted Cruz began his seemingly unprepared, yet impassioned speech.

“I have always been a huge proponent of freedom,” bemoanded Cruz, “but I, personally, have never even considered looking up obscene, arousing, indecent, crude, suggestive, lewd, dirty, twink, vulgar, filthy, smutty, erotic, BDSM, titillating, otter… hold, hold on…” Cruz paused momentarily to use a handkerchief to wipe the profuse, pouring sweat from his brow. He then rubbed an “itchy nipple,” for awhile with his eyes closed before continuing on…

“I would never look up off-color, sexy, risqué, leather bear, adult, X-rated, hard-core – or, especially BORING soft-core content while at work – because I know that it is not ethical. But, let’s be honest, this law is pointless.”

The sweaty and exasperated Cruz then consummated and refused to yield the floor because it was “still too hard and too sticky of a situation to step away from the podium.”

He has vowed to continue filibustering, but requested to be surrounded by, “something similar to the curtains in a hospital patient’s shared room,” while being given a power source and phone charger – as well as, “whatever the wi-fi password is in this place.”

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