(Palm Beach, FL) Sources inside of the White House have confirmed: President Donald J. Trump has terrible stroke.
News outlets have been scrambling for clarity on this as more details come forward. Some sources are citing the president’s poor diet, mental, and physical health as likely contributors to what is being described as “a tragic stroke”.
“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each attempted shot at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” stated former White House Chief of Staff Reince Preibus, “But, sure enough, he’d be wolfing down hot dogs, double-double bacon cheeseburgers, chili cheese fries, 3-scoop hot fudge sundaes… you name it, he’d have it brought in on a helicopter at each hole.”
On the condition of anonymity, a White House staffer described what Trump’s stroke was like to witness.
“We were out there and you could immediately tell that something was wrong,” they stated.
Indeed, the president had just polished off an extra large hot fudge sundae and a 2/3rd-pound Monster Thickburger: a legendarily unhealthy fast food item.
“We then changed his mayo, ice cream, and grease-stained shirt – as is customary. Moments later, it happened. It was one of the worst strokes I’ve ever seen.”
Dr. Victoria Urustia, Director of The Comprehensive Stroke Center at Johns Hopkins Hospital, says that Trump’s stroke really wasn’t hard to predict because “all of the warning signs were already there.”
“It’s not really a surprise,” said Urustia, “Donald was already displaying many signs that he would have a bad stroke due to previous behaviors, and a clear unwillingness to learn.”
Dr. Urustia pointed to the president’s prior episodes of obvious numbness, weakness, confusion, trouble speaking or understanding, and blurred vision.
“We’ve seen (Trump) – over the years – having shown extreme numbness to important moral issues and obvious displays of mental weakness; bordering on being devoid of any judgement skills,” stated Urustia. “What’s more, conclusive research shows that this happens on the right side much more frequently than the left. ”
Prior to witnessing his stroke, staffers reported that “Donald was frequently seen having severe difficulty speaking coherently, seeing clearly, or listening to much of anything or anyone.”
“Everything he does, he does it like he has constant, blurry vision so it’s not surprising that he also happens to have an awful stroke when he golfs.”
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