President Donald Trump used a morning staff meeting today to address leaks that have plagued his administration since day one. In an impassioned speech, the President touched on many topics – concluding with the implementation of a strict ‘No Farting’ policy.
The new White House rule was accidentally released to the media by Press Secretary Sean Spicer when he mistakenly read an entire transcript from the private meeting to journalists.
“Look people. I will not tolerate the leaks,” said Trump.
“I will not tolerate the leaks to the news media. I will not tolerate leaks to your friends. To your family. The leaks to your dog. Your cat,” Trump said while pausing to glare around the room.
“Don’t think I don’t know, because I do. I really do. The WikiLeaks? That’s bad. It’s all bad: leaky tires, leaky cauldrons, the faucets. Faucets? Hate ’em. I don’t even want leaks from assholes. Won’t allow it. We’re getting rid of it. It’s gone. Got it?”
Unhappy staffers have already begun anonymously reporting an increasingly toxic atmosphere of paranoia, bloating, and extreme discomfort in the West Wing. Officials in different agencies have also suggested that the new rule is not conducive to a healthy work environment.
Additionally, Trump is searching for a way to tighten staffer sphincters to prevent farting, or “at least create a high-pitched, whistling sound that will help to identify who has farted.”
Several employees fear their office chairs, wallets, cell phones, or even underwear may be monitored – making them reluctant to let one rip – even when completely alone in a room.
Other sources say that limits imposed on the flow of gas have blindsided cabinet-level officials with loud, painful bouts of flatulence that have abruptly ended important meetings. There are now even reports of staffers creating secret “Safe Fart Spaces” that change location hourly.
At press time, this was the only action taken by Trump that showed a concern for air pollution.
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