BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one seat still vacant in the court, the 8-0 vote passed in the late hours of Saturday night. The no-confidence ruling will result in at least one more year with Barack Obama serving as Commander In Chief – all while the United States’ population will have to go through another election cycle that will allow neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump to run. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not set up to be constantly running all of the time,” stated head researcher Robert Tofflin. “This is why we to take a break here and there, and be sure to get a decent night’s sleep.” But according to Tofflin, sleeping and giving your brain a rest isn’t enough for everyone. “The human ‘sleep mode’ can only do so much for some people,” Tofflin explained. “That’s because some people are so dumb that they actually need a complete reset.” Indeed, although sleep helps with most issues. One of the greatest reasons many Americans need to reboot their brains is that it may benefit society as a whole. “Societies filled with brains that aren’t performing at their best start to create inter-connectivity problems after a while. Today in America, people with slow-moving brains cause many awful problems.” Tofflin continued, “These stupid people have moronic notions which are often forced upon innocent children or transmitted via internet connections. This is also why we can see a frenzy of dumb humans on social media.” Unfortunately, people in severe need of a brain reset can even act out in awful ways while in public. “Faulty brains that are in desperate need of repair are directly linked to problems like mass shootings, anti-vaccination movements, transphobia, homophobia, sexism, racism, and more. By resetting these defective brains, we will be giving society the breather that it so desperately needs,” Tofflin concluded. The study also found that brain problems can often be caused by an unfounded denial of reality which causes the brain to become corrupt. Some all-too-common causes included: deep and unquestioning religious faith, a blind hatred of science, a strong dislike of education, and an inability to evaluate new facts and allow the human brain to change its opinion. A final finding showed that it’s important to question your own beliefs on a regular basis in order to stay proactive with personal brain health. This will not cause any harm to society as it is simply a way of being able to first see, and then admit when you are wrong. If your problems continue, you may need a complete brain reset. How to reset your brain: 1. Shut up. Just shut up for once. 2. Unplug your head from your ass. Verify you have done so by then opening your eyes and seeing the world around you. 3. Wait 2 minutes, then never shove your head up your ass again. 4. Allow for reality to set in. 5. You should now be reconnected to the world around you. 6. Cautiously share opinions after checking for accuracy with multiple reliable, or peer reviewed sources. 7. If problems continue, be sure that your nose isn’t also covered in a smelly, brown substance called “shit,” which often comes from burying your face in the asses of leadership figures who need to restart their brains as well. Staff Note: Please refrain from putting other things in your ass – unless you are down with that – then proceed with lubrication, patience, and caution. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be coming right at me from two fronts,” stated Jenny Schwartz of Baltimore, Maryland. “My Bible-thumping, morbidly obese Aunt Cheryl from The South, and my condescending, evil mother-in-law Debbie will approach from The North. They will coalesce on my front lawn around 2:00 PM on Sunday, July 3rd,” said Schwartz. “So this year, despite sending invitations, I am going to pretend to be dead if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks. Fuck these people.” But it’s not just the Eastern seaboard that will be hit hard: experts believe that the strong depression will move westward, impacting the Great Plains and spreading to the West Coast. Chief Meteorologist Brian Busbey of Channel 9 in Kansas City, Kansas described what he expects to occur this holiday season for him. “Hurricane Helen, with her bitch-force opinions, will be crossing the United States from Charlotte, North Carolina to my home,” Busbey stated while drawing arrows and sad faces on a green screen map. “Undoubtedly, this inherent depression will leave me asking many questions, like: ‘Why do I bother cooking or baking anything for these fucking assholes?!?!’” Busbey concluded, “We get it Aunt Helen, ‘Kansas City, Kansas’ sounds stupid, just like everything you fucking say!” Medical experts are already offering tips for how Americans can cope with the inevitable depression. Some key tips include: 1. Have a plan. Be sure to know where the alcohol is, and map out a route to it that allows you to get really liquored-up while avoiding as many unsavory relatives as possible. 2. Set realistic goals. By keeping the bar low, you won’t be blindsided by even more disappointment, resentment, or thoughts of suicide. 3. Exercise. Be sure to exercise your first Amendment right to free speech. You’ll already have alcohol pulsing through your veins for encouragement. So speak up, create a pamphlet of opinions to share, or design a calculated, hurtful sign to hold up in the faces of these assholes. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions maybe – of people that support our party. Naturally, we cannot take the shooting of Donald lightly, but you have to understand that we cannot take a risk with someone like him. There’s no way to get the country back from such a gorilla of a man,” stated Ryan. “That being said, we are very happy that the country will be okay. Sure, the Monday morning quarterbacks are going to have opinions, but these are hard calls and the safety of the country is paramount,” said Ryan. Speaker Ryan then concluded his statement on MSNBC, “Overall, it was a terrible, tragic occurrence, much like his entire campaign and the fact that people voted for him. But, when we saw him toying with the future of our children, we had to end him. End it all. Hopefully we can all move on and forget that he ever existed.” The majority of politicians and experts from all over the world responded to the decision with much praise and joy, including President Hollande of France. “Moving forward we hope that America plans to have very different enclosures for potential candidates so that child-like voters cannot venture into a dangerous situation like we have seen here in the 2016 election,” stated Hollande. As of right now, the Democratic National Committee has yet to comment on whether or not they plan to kill either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, but they do confirm that they want to find a “peaceful way” to put Debbie Wasserman Schultz to rest. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out, John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here’s how he can still win…
(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.