5th Hijacked Plane from 9/11 Still Flying

More than fifteen years after the atrocities that occurred on September 11th, the United States government has announced that there is – in fact – a 5th hijacked plan that is still flying around U.S. airspace.

President Obama made an official statement regarding the ongoing situation on Sunday afternoon. Here are the key points of his speech:

“Hello America. Now, let me be clear I’ve got some important information to share with you all. Tonight is a particularly peculiar address, but I’m here to tell you something that the previous Bush administration never did – but I feel obligated to tell you. So here goes.”

“There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”

President Obama allowed for a brief moment of silence , and then continued on.

“Now, how is this possible? That was my first question as well when I took office. Well it turns out that the Bush administration’s policy of ‘never negotiating with terrorists’ met head on with some terrorists that turned out to not be fully dedicated to their cause.”

Let me tell you right now how we’ve been dealing with this 15-plus year situation.” Obama then laid out the specifics.

“First, we’ve been using U.S. Air Force planes to refuel the Boeing 767 every 10 hours. During these refueling sessions, the hijackers open a small, side panel window in the cockpit and we provide enough food for 2 meals for each and every one of the 183 passengers on board.”

With a slight grin on his face, President Obama added that the U.S. is fighting back, “Fun story. We’ve been adding traces of pork products into a lot of the food and sometimes we just fill the water bottles with straight Grey Goose Vodka. So – halal about that!”

Obama continued, “So now we’ve got a situation where there are 183 American hostages and 3 pseudo-radical, somewhat terrorists who seem to be content living on an airplane with free food and drinks and no plan to land.”

The President concluded that the families of the passengers and the terrorists have all been informed about the situation.

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