(Fort Wayne, IN) With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out of the Republican Presidential nomination race, Ohio Governor John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here are a few ways that he can still win the nomination.
Option 1) It’s All About Oxygen. Not many people are aware of this, but the human body requires a steady supply of oxygen to survive. Even The Donald’s blood carries oxygen from his lungs to all of his tiny little cells and then removes carbon dioxide so that he can breath and live. Indeed, if somehow Donald Trump forgets how to breathe air, he would certainly perish – leaving Kasich as the only option for the Republican nominee.
Option 2) Playing the Odds. Although mathematically, John Kasich would need to win over 200% of the remaining delegates to become the nominee, this isn’t taking into account other factors. For example, the odds of Donald Trump dying in a plane crash are approximately 1 in 11 million. Furthermore, our orange-faced foe could also die in a fiery car crash (odds: 1 in 37,028), or even choke to death while eating his next meal (1 in 370,035).
Option 3) It’s Time for Some Take-Out. Governor Kasich could use his remaining campaign funds (estimated at $16,745) to hire a seasoned hunter to take-out Trump and whatever creature is living on his head. Many experts believe that the animal is actually a wet, albino skunk that feeds on a mixture of tomatoes and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
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