The Case for Kasich: How He’ll Be The Nominee


With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out, John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here’s how he can still win…

(Fort Wayne, IN) With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out of the Republican Presidential nomination race, Ohio Governor John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here are a few ways that he can still win the nomination.

Option 1) It’s All About Oxygen. Not many people are aware of this, but the human body requires a steady supply of oxygen to survive. Even The Donald’s blood carries oxygen from his lungs to all of his tiny little cells and then removes carbon dioxide so that he can breath and live. Indeed, if somehow Donald Trump forgets how to breathe air, he would certainly perish – leaving Kasich as the only option for the Republican nominee.

Option 2) Playing the Odds. Although mathematically, John Kasich would need to win over 200% of the remaining delegates to become the nominee, this isn’t taking into account other factors. For example, the odds of Donald Trump dying in a plane crash are approximately 1 in 11 million. Furthermore, our orange-faced foe could also die in a fiery car crash (odds: 1 in 37,028), or even choke to death while eating his next meal (1 in 370,035).

Option 3) It’s Time for Some Take-Out. Governor Kasich could use his remaining campaign funds (estimated at $16,745) to hire a seasoned hunter to take-out Trump and whatever creature is living on his head. Many experts believe that the animal is actually a wet, albino skunk that feeds on a mixture of tomatoes and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

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Tragic Death Ends Trump Campaign

***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions maybe – of people that support our party. Naturally, we cannot take the shooting of Donald lightly, but you have to understand that we cannot take a risk with someone like him. There’s no way to get the country back from such a gorilla of a man,” stated Ryan. “That being said, we are very happy that the country will be okay. Sure, the Monday morning quarterbacks are going to have opinions, but these are hard calls and the safety of the country is paramount,” said Ryan. Speaker Ryan then concluded his statement on MSNBC, “Overall, it was a terrible, tragic occurrence, much like his entire campaign and the fact that people voted for him. But, when we saw him toying with the future of our children, we had to end him. End it all. Hopefully we can all move on and forget that he ever existed.” The majority of politicians and experts from all over the world responded to the decision with much praise and joy, including President Hollande of France. “Moving forward we hope that America plans to have very different enclosures for potential candidates so that child-like voters cannot venture into a dangerous situation like we have seen here in the 2016 election,” stated Hollande. As of right now, the Democratic National Committee has yet to comment on whether or not they plan to kill either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, but they do confirm that they want to find a “peaceful way” to put Debbie Wasserman Schultz to rest. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
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