Unprecedented Massachusetts Law Bans Homophobes From Bathrooms

(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.

Supporters applaud the bill for making every bathroom a safe space for people in the LGBT community and their allies. U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D) specifically made public statements regarding the bill passage.

“It’s a good thing. Honestly, if you cannot be kind to your fellow man or woman, then you deserve to soil or wet yourself in public. Because you are, indeed, a prick. We’re essentially addressing a problem within grown adults who think, speak, and act like children.”

Opponents, however, say that this is blatant discrimination. For example, the 700 Club with Pat Robertson released a statement vehemently condemning the new law.

“It is pure discrimination to not allow people like us use these restrooms. The Bible clearly states that we should “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you – Luke 6:31.”

The law is also creating hundreds of thousands of jobs as each person that wishes to use public or business restrooms will have to verbally state the phrase “I do not hate the LGBT community” to a $15/hr paid bathroom attendant each time they wish to enter a restroom.

If the bathroom attendant is not convinced that the person is telling the truth, or thinks they are being sarcastic, they will be turned away. The law includes increased penalties for urinating or defecating in public – essentially forcing homophobic individuals to time their bowel movements for while they are at home, making them spend most of their time in their house, or making them leave the state.

Several other progressive states are reportedly considering following suit in order to push homophobic individuals back to many Southern states where they will find more friends.

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