Jeffrey Larson, a veteran, 70-something real estate agent in Southern California, continues to give zero fucks if his listings will sell. Larson’s lack of concern and unhelpful marketing for his clients was apparent when we first covered his story, but this latest home description is pretty freaking out there:
“This is a rare opportunity to live in an imaginary building on the Wilshire Corridor in “The Dilapidated Residences”. Located on the 14th floor of an 8-story building with amazing panoramic views of that one guy. This 20-bedroom, 1/2 bath with a lion’s den features a private eye detective and sideways elevator in the foyer.
The stunning kitchen is fully outfitted with Dolce & Gabbana and Miele appliances that will leave you saying, “Meh. That’s from last season.” This G-unit has an oversized, sawed-off shotgun in the bedroom and a “Yeessss master” bathroom with an attendant named Igor who lives in the master closet. This unit includes a private, nude painting session with Leonardo DiCaprio – as well as a service lady and laundry room helper who is as helpful as Consuela from Family Guy.
There is ample storage, which would be convenient if you were allowed to use any of it. The home comes, like a lot. There is also a temperamental, uncontrollable 40-bottle wine storage space full of Franzia, a private storage closet with wall made of see-through glass, and somewhat dedicated parking spaces who usually try their best.
Some of the amenities and services include a 24-hour valet if you somehow manage to get your car to the 14th floor. There is also a doorman who will get into heated conversations with you in the swimming pool, fitness center, and private dining room for no reason whatsoever.
Fendi Casa designed the lounge in about 3 minutes – and the lack of effort or imagination is glaringly apparent.
There’s an adjoining salon and catering kitchen, but you have to do all of the work. REALTORS, bring your fussiest buyers just to piss them off and then put them in their place by leaving them with the doorman.
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