Heads of NRA Announce Plan to Stop Mass Shootings

NRA President Wayne LaPierre, and Executive Vice President James W. Porter II have announced a plan to quickly curb mass shootings in the United States of America. Here are their tips for lowering the number of shooting deaths:

– If you have a personal office at the workplace, always barricade yourself in, regardless of the current situation.

– Cover all of your private office space windows with blinds and never turn on the lights or make any noise that could make anyone think that you are there. Cancel meetings if you must. This is about personal safety and the Constitution.

– DO NOT, under ANY circumstances require mental health checks for anyone trying to buy guns. It could instill them with a complex – making them unbalanced and dangerous.

– Always store your guns somewhere that makes sense to you personally, loaded or unloaded. Your call bro.


– Just don’t show up for work. Like ever. Build a shack in the woods instead, give all of your guns names, and tell them about how much you hate “Obummers” and that you will keep them safe.

– Never do background checks before selling guns. Leave the past in the past.

– Company heads should change dress code policy through HR to force employees to wear costumes which make them look like various pieces of furniture or larger appliances – ensuring an easy way to be hidden in plain view from a shooter.

– Companies should, upon hiring, issue everyone a Kevlar vest and assault riffle – narrowing the odds that one crazy employee will kill more than a handful of co-workers disguised as gun-toting refrigerators, recliners, and love seats. (Also, don’t dress as a microwave, this is just unreasonable.)

– Avoid issuing waiting periods to get firearms – as this might make someone’s trigger finger get extra happy from all of the waiting to fire off a gun.

– Have everyone work from home and don’t send your kids to school until we have a generation, years from now, where this all makes a semblance of fucking sense.

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