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FOX News to be Bought Out by The Onion

In a world that is full of happenings that don’t make sense, it has now been confirmed that The Onion has placed a buyout offer that the head of FOX News – Rupert Murdoch – has agreed to. FOX News, which was launched on October 7, 1996 took the offer while also admitting that they were always run by political satirists and actors. The company is now being bought out by The Onion for $11.9 billion.

“It was an elaborate plan to see how the general public would react,” stated Murdoch in a press release. “But, we’ve gotten to the point where it feels like beating a dead horse and we have decided to call it quits. We’ll let The Onion take it from here.”

Indeed, it appears that FOX News was more of a hybrid joke and psychological study consisting of made-up facts which gave people with authoritarian and emotional needs an outlet to feel more in control of the world around them – all while understanding nothing about it.

“We gave people affirmation and escape in a way that wouldn’t challenge their beliefs in any way,” the press release said. “We knew that a lot of people out there simply couldn’t survive in the real world and we gave them the support that they needed to stay in their small, fake, shut-in box of fucking dumb.”

Year after year FOX News viewers were ranked the least knowledgeable or informed about the real world and happenings because the entire company was not set up to deliver news, just heavily veiled satire that amused anyone who “got it” – all while comforting those who never could.

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FOX News to be Bought Out by The Onion
FOX News to be Bought Out by The Onion

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