Breaking: Obama Uses School Shooting to Defend Gun Owners

Barack Obama, who is by all means a “Lame Duck” president, used the recent school shooting to defend gun owners. This was a surprising move by the leader of the Free World as he decided to use tragedy in order to get everyday Americans to, as he stated, “think for fucking once in their fucking lives.”

Obama, who has been President during countless mass shootings, was clearly unaware of the term “too soon” when he delivered the shirtless and frustrated speech.

“I’m a’ comin’ ferrr yerrr gunzzz!!!” Obama shouted with a feigned Southern accent which included a deadpan face, yet crazed look in his eyes.

“Y’all better be careful, or we might stop people with mental illnesses from possessing guns!!!” he uttered with that quaint Southern twang while shedding a few tears and waving a Confederate flag. He then continued, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people… just mostly with guns! Y’all liberals better quit your hootin’ and a hollerin’!!!”

Obama went on to “put in a big dip” of chew and then detail how he has been hunting for wild boar, buck, steer, and “whatever else comes into [his] scope after 5 or 6 beers.” He then seemed to take a seemingly unrelated topic and weave it into the speech.

“What we also need. Darn tootin’! Is to defund Planned Parenthood. So that we can have more babies that grow up to be able to also use them there guns! We need an American civilian militia to be ready to defeat our own military when it turns on us.”

He paused to crack open a lukewarm Busch Light and then continued, “We can also use that extra money that we don’t give to Planned Parenthood to go toward things like our military. Also, we can take that extra money that women don’t receive for equal pay, and use that for something like nuking the Muslims! That’ll teach ’em!”

At this point an unforseen thing occurred. Although he was clearly on a roll stirring up a new base of support, Obama had unfortunately forgotten about the chewing tobacco in his mouth when drinking the beer and immediately began violently vomiting during his closing remarks. After showering the podium with beer, chew, and breakfast food vomit, he wiped his face, laughed, and said, “These finagled microphone doo-hickeys really picked up the sound of that!!! WOOOOOoooOOoo-EEEeeeEEEeE!!!”

He then tipped over the podium on the stage and walked away while shouting, “There, now do you see what you fucking morons sound like!?!?”

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Breaking: Obama Uses School Shooting to Defend Gun Owners

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