Congressman Bob Brady, who stole Pope Francis’s half-finished water glass after the pontiff’s address to congress, has been issued a restraining order to stay at least 500 feet away from the religious leader. Brady immediately took the glass of water to his wife, and two staffers in his office, where they then sipped the water and saved the rest because of the inherent magical powers.
The Vatican released a statement in which they explained the need for a restraining order:
“Bob Brady has been following Pope Francis around for nearly 2 years now. After awhile you have to say that enough is enough,” the release read. The statement went on to describe other encounters and actions that led up to the restraining order, including the following:
4/17/14 – Brady is caught in the Vatican brushing his teeth with Pope Francis’s toothbrush while moaning.
7/28/14 – The congressman sneaks into Pope Francis’s private chambers in order to poop on the same toilet that Francis just used to do the same.
9/15/14 – All of the Pope’s underwear goes missing.
12/25/14 – Congressman Brady gets back in line 14 times for communion during Christmas mass and is kicked out for being visibly intoxicated and trying to make out with Francis.
1/19/15 – Brady is found digging through Vatican trash while dressed up as Pope Francis with 9″ heels and bright red lipstick.
3/22/15 – Francis complains about feeling an ‘evil presence very near’ before conducting mass. Later, the congressman pops out from under Pope Francis’s robe more than halfway through a 3 hour service. He is rushed to the hospital due to lack of oxygen and apparent exposure to asbestos and mold.
6/6/15 – Brady dresses up like a nun and has sex with Pope Francis. The passionate affair lasts for 3 months before Francis decides that he’s no longer into it.
9/11/15 – A homemade drone built and flown by Brady is captured by Vatican police after it was reported hovering outside of the Pope’s grooming quarters window while he was getting a Brazillian.
9/23/15 – While opening fan mail, Francis nearly choked to death from an exploding envelope full of pubic hair and glitter. DNA tests linked the hair to Brady.
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