Grossly obese Republican Presidential candidate and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been banned from further debates until he can become fully aware of both himself and the world around him. The ban, which was handed down by the Republican National Committee (RNC), came after he gave Air Force Brig. Gen. Michael Cunniff 90 days to lose weight.
Christie, who has hovered above 300lbs and stands at 5’11” is considered by professionals to be “morbidly obese” and “inherently delusional.”
“Although we know he has had a LAP-BAND® surgery, that clearly hasn’t helped him to manage his weight,” stated RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “This ban can be considered a means of giving his ego the same procedure, but who knows if that will even help.”
According to the RNC, Christie is considered to be one of the few Republican Candidates who has a chance of gaining self-awareness.
“We gave up on Donald (Trump) before he even announced his run,” said Priebus. “We believe the few other candidates who have a chance are Lindsey Graham, Rick Santorum, and Carly Fiorina – but there are severe doubts.”
The Republican National Committee offered us a quick breakdown on the shortcomings of these three potential candidates”
– “Lindsey Graham is a very effeminate individual with a name that is stereotypically that of a woman. The last thing we need is Mr. Rodgers reincarnate getting caught with schedule III drugs and a male prostitute, intern, or page while in office.”
– “Rick Santorum needs to wipe that shit-eating grin off of his face and actually say something meaningful that rallies our basic, conservative base. Maybe he should make fun of Lindsey’s lack of masculinity to gain some man points.”
– “Carly Fiorina needs to stop being a woman and having opinions. We actually think she’d be a great Secretary of State – so long as she doesn’t mention equal pay or figure out that Planned Parenthood does much, much more than legal abortions under Roe v. Wade.”
When reached for comment, Chris Christie’s campaign said that they refused to comment, minus commenting that they refused to comment. So that makes sense…