Current ISIS Terror Threat Literally a Wild Goose Chase

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“The threat is looking more and more credible,” Brennan said – concluding that the entire plot as outlined by the source “seems totally feasible. It’s all adding up.”

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Current ISIS Terror Threat Literally a Wild Goose Chase

The U.S. government is 87.5% sure that there is an ISIS attack planned for today – on this anniversary of the initial attack that was carried out by not Saddam Hussein.

“The traditional gift in the Muslim world is a goose for this anniversary,” President Barack Obama said. “So we have government employees, in cooperation with the NYPD, trying their hardest to round up and strip search all of the geese in Central Park.”

The process has groups like PETA up in arms as those corralling the pesky avian crap machines have been ordered, as part of the strip search, to pluck out each and every feather if a goose fails to pass a full body scan. Authorities also mention that New York citizens should be on high alert for any goose found wearing a burka.

Suspicions first arose when members of the CIA overheard a language that was not English.

“I had no clue what the hell they were saying,” Director of Central Intelligence John O. Brennan said. “I decided that it was not English, so all of this is based on that sensitive information.”

“The threat is looking more and more credible,” Brennan said – concluding that the entire plot as outlined by the source “seems totally feasible. It’s all adding up.”

“Upon capturing each and every goose the animals are put under strict questioning,” head of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson said. “So far their lack of cooperation has lead us to believe that there is, in fact, a terrible plot against America.”

Ideas as to what the attack might entail include massive shit storms from above and birds flying into well-Windexed windows of tall skyscrapers – which has lead to the questioning of NYC window cleaners.

“The sheer impact and carnage of a flock of geese flying into the sides of office building could cause a heart attack,” Johnson said.

It remains unclear as to whether or not any goose terrorists even exist, U.S. officials stated.

“We don’t have a smoking goose yet,” U.S. counter-terrorism higher-up Brenda Heck said “It is going to take a little bit to completely flush this out.”

The release of this information is all part of president Obama’s new and more open terror alert system which lets American citizens have a better idea of what is going on rather than George W. Bush pointing at colors and yelling.

Current ISIS Terror Threat Literally a Wild Goose Chase
Prediction of appearance of Guantanamo Bay circa 2016.

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Chris Christie Banned From Debates Until He Can Gain Self-Awareness

Grossly obese Republican Presidential candidate and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been banned from further debates until he can become fully aware of both himself and the world around him. The ban, which was handed down by the Republican National Committee (RNC), came after he gave Air Force Brig. Gen. Michael Cunniff 90 days to lose weight. Christie, who has hovered above 300lbs and stands at 5’11” is considered by professionals to be “morbidly obese” and “inherently delusional.” “Although we know he has had a LAP-BAND® surgery, that clearly hasn’t helped him to manage his weight,” stated RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “This ban can be considered a means of giving his ego the same procedure, but who knows if that will even help.” According to the RNC, Christie is considered to be one of the few Republican Candidates who has a chance of gaining self-awareness. “We gave up on Donald (Trump) before he even announced his run,” said Priebus. “We believe the few other candidates who have a chance are Lindsey Graham, Rick Santorum, and Carly Fiorina – but there are severe doubts.” The Republican National Committee offered us a quick breakdown on the shortcomings of these three potential candidates” – “Lindsey Graham is a very effeminate individual with a name that is stereotypically that of a woman. The last thing we need is Mr. Rodgers reincarnate getting caught with schedule III drugs and a male prostitute, intern, or page while in office.” – “Rick Santorum needs to wipe that shit-eating grin off of his face and actually say something meaningful that rallies our basic, conservative base. Maybe he should make fun of Lindsey’s lack of masculinity to gain some man points.” – “Carly Fiorina needs to stop being a woman and having opinions. We actually think she’d be a great Secretary of State – so long as she doesn’t mention equal pay or figure out that Planned Parenthood does much, much more than legal abortions under Roe v. Wade.” When reached for comment, Chris Christie’s campaign said that they refused to comment, minus commenting that they refused to comment. So that makes sense… Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like my Facebook Page to get the latest. (Photo by DonkeyHotey – no endorsement implied) Advertisements
Chris Christie Banned From Debates Until He Can Gain Self-Awareness
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