The U.S. government is 87.5% sure that there is an ISIS attack planned for today – on this anniversary of the initial attack that was carried out by not Saddam Hussein.
“The traditional gift in the Muslim world is a goose for this anniversary,” President Barack Obama said. “So we have government employees, in cooperation with the NYPD, trying their hardest to round up and strip search all of the geese in Central Park.”
The process has groups like PETA up in arms as those corralling the pesky avian crap machines have been ordered, as part of the strip search, to pluck out each and every feather if a goose fails to pass a full body scan. Authorities also mention that New York citizens should be on high alert for any goose found wearing a burka.
Suspicions first arose when members of the CIA overheard a language that was not English.
“I had no clue what the hell they were saying,” Director of Central Intelligence John O. Brennan said. “I decided that it was not English, so all of this is based on that sensitive information.”
“The threat is looking more and more credible,” Brennan said – concluding that the entire plot as outlined by the source “seems totally feasible. It’s all adding up.”
“Upon capturing each and every goose the animals are put under strict questioning,” head of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson said. “So far their lack of cooperation has lead us to believe that there is, in fact, a terrible plot against America.”
Ideas as to what the attack might entail include massive shit storms from above and birds flying into well-Windexed windows of tall skyscrapers – which has lead to the questioning of NYC window cleaners.
“The sheer impact and carnage of a flock of geese flying into the sides of office building could cause a heart attack,” Johnson said.
It remains unclear as to whether or not any goose terrorists even exist, U.S. officials stated.
“We don’t have a smoking goose yet,” U.S. counter-terrorism higher-up Brenda Heck said “It is going to take a little bit to completely flush this out.”
The release of this information is all part of president Obama’s new and more open terror alert system which lets American citizens have a better idea of what is going on rather than George W. Bush pointing at colors and yelling.
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