Pope Francis, the head of the Catholic Church, admitted to reporters after his Thursday night speech that he has been a longtime marijuana user. Understandably, the Pope’s uncommon, cavalier, a-matter-of-fact candor has left many questioning his ability to lead the Catholic Church.
The Pope’s speech, which called modern capitalism the “unfettered pursuit of money,” and the “dung of the devil,” also accused world leaders of being cowards for refusing to recognize global warming and defend our planet from exploitation.
In response, U.S. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush, who is Catholic, told a crowd at a town hall event in New Hampshire that Pope Francis should just avoid anything involving global affairs.
“The Pope’s speech on Thursday night sounded like something that a communist would say,” Stated Bush. “At no point should facts, inconvenient portions of the Bible, science or – Jeb Bush air quoted with his fingers – ‘reality in general,’ ever enter the realm of Catholicism or any sort of religious or political thinking.”
The Pope’s admission of cannabis usage understandably resulted in many follow-up questions. Lauren Green, Chief Religion Correspondent for the Fox News Channel, asked Pope Francis why he felt that he was “in any position to speak against so-called ‘modern capitalism’.”
Gathering his thoughts, Pope Francis hit a gravity bong and then gave his response.
“I’d cite Matthew 6:24 [cough, cough] ‘No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.'”
Pope Francis then drank some water to “ease his [sic] cotton mouth” and continued on, “If you have a pen, write these down and look them up – because I really don’t have time for this shit. Okay, here we go: James 5:1-6, Luke 18:25, Luke 12:33, Mark 12:41-44, 1 Timothy 6:9-10, James 5:1… this isn’t even a quarter of them… but I’m sure you’ll never get the point.”
The head of the Catholic Church then proceeded to grab the nearest reporter’s microphone whilst casting a wide-eyed stare at everyone. Pope Francis then dropped the electronic device on the floor, and walked away.
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