Raiders Fan Severely Injured by Errant Insult

Raiders Fan Severely Injured by Errant Insult
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Sources say a Raiders fan that was hit with an offhand comment while at a San Francisco bar was leaking from the tear ducts as he was being carried out. Authorities report that he has sustained pride-threatening injuries.

Onlookers have commented that all or part of the words shot at Raiders fan Ryan Gonzales deeply impacted him during the airing of Friday’s Giants versus Phillies game – rattling his eardrums and shaking him to the core. Gonzales was carried out of the bar after only starting his second flirtini.

Those there state that Gonzales was hit by bartender Gretta Lawrence’s statement which immediately broke his spirit as he was attempting, for a 3rd time, to get to second base with Lawrence. His game was halted in the middle of a sexist catcall and friends tended to the man’s gushing deluge of tears as he was wheeled out of the bar on a stretcher.

Reportedly, Lawrence cut off Gozales’ demeaning catcalls by interjecting that the Raiders had undoubtedly “scored more in the locker room than Grindr users, but couldn’t perform better than teenage boys on the field.”

More details on Gonzales’ condition were not made immediately available.

Alexa Micherst, of Walnut Creek, CA, told The San Francisco Chronicle that she was sitting next to the man when the insult flew into Gonzales’ eardrum just as he was trying to get to second base.

“It was violent,” she said of the impact on Gonzales. “He cried a lot. I mean A LOT. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like that.”

Micherst said the Gonzales acted more like a child than a man. After he was injured, the man’s friends were trying to console him. Gonzales was taken to his studio apartment and there is no information on his current condition.

“You try to keep the Raiders in your thoughts and, hopefully, everything will be alright next season.” stated Gonzales’ brother-in-law Randy Pena. “Who knows, next year we could win 4 or, God willing, 5 games. Even 4 wins and a tie would be awesome!”

Gonzales’ psychologist Brittany Favela expressed her concerns with Gonzales’ broken ego and the danger it could possess. A study issued on Raiders fans and their fragile egos suggests that Gonzales could be very unstable.

“Fans could cry a lot or they could just snap and act out with violence and effeminate arm flailing,” stated Favela.

The awful failures of the Raiders organization have increased approximately 50 percent since the beginning of the 2009 season, league spokesman Michale Borrango said.

Though dozens of Raiders fans are struck by foul, reality-based insults each season, there has been only one fatality, according to football safety researchers.

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