According to San Francisco native Jessica Sarling, car pool buddy and co-worker Steve Vasquez uses unimaginably annoying figures of speech while critiquing her and other drivers on the way to and from work.
Vasquez, a legal immigrant from San Salvador, El Salvador, who does not have a driver’s license, has been chauffeured from his home to the office by Sarling for nearly 3 months.
“At first I thought it was entertaining because of his accent,” Sarling said. “But now I hate it, I absolutely hate his fucking guts.”
Sarling gave examples of Vasquez’s idiomatic expression usage.
“One time I didn’t notice that the light had turned green and the car behind us honked at me. So what does the moron say? ‘The car behind us has an axe to grind with you. I should give you a slap on the wrist, as your driving can’t cut the mustard. Pedal to the metal now!'”
At first Sarling thought he was just putting her on. But later she realized that he really was a pain in the ass.
“It’s enough to drive anyone up a wall – him sitting shotgun,” Sarling said. “Come hell or high water I’m going to chew him out. I mean with this guy if it isn’t one thing, then it’s another.”
Vasquez sees things differently and believes that Sarling is just dangerous on the road.
“I appreciate her hospitality and I know you should never look a gift horse in the mouth,” Vasquez said. “But Miss Sarling’s driving has me on pins and needles. She drives like a loose cannon who isn’t playing with a full deck.”
Sarling has been considering telling Vasquez to quiet down or find another way to get to work.
“It’s really coming down to the wire,” Sarling said. “I have been beating around the bush and I go the extra mile to get him to stop, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold my tongue anymore and, excuse my French, but I might just flip him the bird and tell him to put a sock in it!”
Sarling described one incident where she was trying to merge into the carpool lane while it was raining cats and dogs during rush hour.
“He told me to ‘hold my horses’ when I put my signal on,” Sarling said. “As IF I couldn’t see a huge cargo van right next to us. It didn’t just come out of the blue! And then he had the nerve to say ‘practice makes perfect’. I just want him to pipe down and can it!”
Even Vasquez can tell that Sarling is drained.
“Every morning I see Miss Sarling she looks like she got out of the wrong side of the bed,” Vasquez said. “In fact she always looks like she’s going to run out of steam, is running on fumes, or that she’s sick as a dog. Maybe – and I’m going to go out on a limb here – maybe she’s into drugs? I don’t know but something smells fishy.”
Sarling says that she plans to speak up tomorrow when she drops Vasquez off at his apartment complex.
“Every time I park he yells ‘X marks the spot!'” Sarling said. “I have zero tolerance for this man. He has left me with a chip on my shoulder while he’s having a field day with these catch phrases. Maybe the son of a gun is just fixed in his ways, maybe we got off on the wrong foot, but he really queered this pig in the poke pitch, this is the last straw, I don’t even feel that I’m over the top when I say that I hope he kicks the bucket.”
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