Local Man Shocked to Find Out That Pedometers Had Nothing to do With Touching Children

Local Man Shocked to Find Out That Pedometers Had Nothing to do With Touching Children

(Port St. Lucie, FL.) South Florida native Scott Handsman was taken aback Sunday evening when it was revealed to him that the electromechanical device that individuals wear on their hips, arms or wrists has nothing to do with pedophiles.

Handsman had thought that pedometers, which are tiny instruments used to record the distance traveled or number of steps taken in a given period of time, were actually tools used to detect something about pedophiles.

Local Man Shocked to Find Out That Pedometers Had Nothing to do With Touching Children
(Handsman found that many pedometers had suggestive or confusing names)

“Well, to me the etymology could have meant a number of things,” Handsman said. “You know, the amount of times they’ve touched children was my first guess, but the numbers were staggering. So then I figured it was the seconds or minutes spent fondling, but after further consideration I decided that was a grossly high number as well. I finally settled on something more realistic – since the number was always changing and being re-calibrated – I decided it stood for the distance you were away from a registered sex offender or pedophile. So I’m walking around thinking I’m surrounded by a bunch of sick fucks.”

Handsman purchased and used his own pedometer that re-set every 24 hours “to help protect the kids.” He was thoroughly confused about what it was telling him.

“For several months I spent most of my days trying to avoid contact with anyone that even looked under the age of 18, but the damn number kept going up!” Handsman exclaimed.

When he later concluded that the number represented the distance from a pedophile, or registered sex offender, he became very nervous – as the automatically re-setting pedometer implied every morning that either he was a disgusting criminal or one of them was in his house.

“This whole time I was paranoid and confused, it turns out I was just misusing a physical fitness device that records the number of steps taken or distance an individual has moved each day,” Handsman said. “It’s really a great motivator for maintaining an active lifestyle too!”

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