British Petroleum (BP), announced today that it could have stopped the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico almost immediately, but they chose not to.
Michael Stedmier, head of BP public relations, released a statement today saying that, “Basically, none of this ever had to happen.”
“Although we could have stopped the leak just hours after it started, the amount of attention that we immediately received made us feel warm and fuzzy inside,” said Stedmier, with a grin on his face.
After the “warm fuzzies” wore off, Stedmier just began to have fun with the situation.
“I thought to myself, ‘Well we could end this, but we have the world’s attention… let’s f**k with them.’ That’s when we started talking about using golf balls and old tires – just to see if people were dumb enough to buy it.”
Stedmier said that he then got Halliburton, and Transocean to go in on the farce.
“Yah, Halliburton was the easy one, Transocean didn’t buy into the idea until I threatened to reveal why the founder of Transocean had the word ‘Trans’ in its name…”
The P.R. head continued to describe the other details of the spill that he really liked.
“So I’ve always loved dolphins and marine life in general, but I don’t have cable. So when the news channels began showing videos and pictures of the animals, I just couldn’t bring myself to ruin this perfect opportunity to see these marvelous creatures.”
After a week of the free “sea-life T.V.,” Stedmier started to consider stopping the leak.
“Yah, I was so close to giving the green light to plug the hole, but then they started talking about tar balls. I f**king LOVE balls!”
Stedmier then had a few days to watch the tar ball coverage, during which, according to co-workers, he locked himself in his office and refused to open the door.
Mary Rengler, assistant to Stedmier, reported that she repeatedly tried to contact her boss.
“So, I knocked on his door several times a day because of the faxes, phone calls, and paperwork that was coming in for him, but he wouldn’t open the door.”
Rengler said that her boss only came outside once in the three day stretch to get two boxes of tissue and borrow her lotion, which he never gave back.
As of today, it is estimated that up to 2,940,000 gallons of oil, 1 gallon of semen, and 3lbs of tissue have been wasted, because of BP H.R.
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