In response to US Senator Elizabeth Warren’s DNA announcement showing that she is part Native American, seventy-four year-old Kentucky Senator Mich McConnell admitted today that his great grandfather was a turtle and that his race means no harm to the United States of America.
Suspicions first arose when fellow congressmen and women noticed McConnell would put objects he wasn’t familiar with in his mouth, a behavior common amongst turtles and some crocodiles. In fact, one time while on the Senate floor, McConnell showed aggression toward a glove.
Additionally, an anonymous McConnell aid said when he was first elected, McConnell declined having a desk and instead opted for a giant artificial rock and heat lamp. This is where he ended up spending most of his “working hours” sleeping – only rarely getting up to urinate or defecate in the corner of his office.
“The thing that really solidified the suspicions were his turtle-like jowls,” said Texas Senator John Cornyn (R). “I mean, I grew up in Texas, and I’ve seen my fair share of turtles.”
A general consensus via interviews with Kentuckians shows that the people still support McConnell.
“In public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking, and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Political Science professor Horace Bartjis said. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
Fellow members of congress said that the next step is to determine McConnell’s sex.
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