Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

Porn Bill in Senate Ted Cruz Mitch McConnell

In response to US Senator Elizabeth Warren’s DNA announcement showing that she is part Native American, seventy-four year-old Kentucky Senator Mich McConnell admitted today that his great grandfather was a turtle and that his race means no harm to the United States of America.

mcConnel admits to being 1/8th turtle

Suspicions first arose when fellow congressmen and women noticed McConnell would put objects he wasn’t familiar with in his mouth, a behavior common amongst turtles and some crocodiles. In fact, one time while on the Senate floor, McConnell showed aggression toward a glove.

Additionally, an anonymous McConnell aid said when he was first elected, McConnell declined having a desk and instead opted for a giant artificial rock and heat lamp. This is where he ended up spending most of his “working hours” sleeping – only rarely getting up to urinate or defecate in the corner of his office.

mcConnel admits to being 1/8th turtle

“The thing that really solidified the suspicions were his turtle-like jowls,” said Texas Senator John Cornyn (R). “I mean, I grew up in Texas, and I’ve seen my fair share of turtles.”
A general consensus via interviews with Kentuckians shows that the people still support McConnell.
“In public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking, and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Political Science professor Horace Bartjis said. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
Fellow members of congress said that the next step is to determine McConnell’s sex.

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2 Responses

  1. Gov. Walker

    Calling my friends turtles won’t stop me from running for president… Although I was thinking we should bulldoze some more wetlands to construct more corporate chains and produce more minimum wage jobs. Turtles like wetlands though…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wisconsin Resident

      Hahahahaha aren’t you still rubbing shoulders with the CEO of Gogebic? I know you didn’t get to build the largest open pit ore mine in North America on the tributary waters of the bad land reservation. I’m glad you didn’t break a treaty Wisconsin signed in 1844 by taking land from them for this mine. Things could have gotten ugly around here. Do me a favor and tell the koch brothers to choke on their Rib Eye for me.


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