Johnson & Johnson unveils new ‘Extra Tears’ baby shampoo

(New Brunswick, NJ) A new shampoo by Johnson & Johnson containing extra chemicals to induce a mild burning sensation in a newborn’s eyes reached store shelves today.

Johnson & Johnson unveils new 'Extra Tears' baby shampooThe company introduced the product after years of research showed that many parents were looking for fairly harmless ways to get back at their babies for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, dirty diapers and general annoying-ness that comes with having an infant.

Chairman and CEO of Johnson & Johnson, William Weldon, explained how the product works.
“After numerous mixtures were tested on a sample group of approximately 250 newborns we found that the answer was to use extra Sodium Laurly Sulfates, or SLS.”

The sulfates, which are normally found in most shampoos, are what is used to create the foaming bubbles to remove oils from hair.

“The sulfates are very powerful irritants that were found to increase the likelihood of a baby to cry by nearly 95%,” Weldon said.

Additional research is also starting to suggest that the shampoo will drastically decrease the amount of horrible baby shaking incidents and deaths.

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