(Westchester, PA) A local man was kicked out of the area Barnes & Noble for reading Moby Dick at an intolerably loud volume.
Jack Wellington, an 86-year-old former English teacher, was forcefully removed from the large chain bookstore after being warned several times to “quiet down” by part-time associate Debra Dunleavy and several co-workers.
“At first I was nice and asked him quietly to stop what he was doing, because he was so old,” said Dunleavy, “but then he looked at me like I was crazy, and by the 3rd or 4th time warning him I had had it.”
Dunleavy then found assistant manager Micheal Philsmoore and informed him of the escalating issue.
“At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same ‘what the hell are you staring at’ look that Debra had described.”
Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn’t even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.
“It was like he was mocking me. The old bastard wouldn’t quit.”
Afraid that he would cause more of a scene, Philsmoore brought head manager Veronica Sanchez over to the man, who in the interim 3 minutes had somehow managed to acquire and nearly finish a grande latte from the in-house Starbucks.
“He was clearly wired,” stated Sanchez. “At this point Wellington was practically shouting.”
“ENTERING THAT GABLE-ENDED SPOUTER-INN, YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN A WIDE, LOW STRAGGLING ENTRY WITH OLD-FASHIONED WAINSCOTS, REMINDING ONE OF THE BULWARKS OF SOME CONDEMNED OLD CRAFT,” the man hollered.
“And how the hell he managed to get to page 1, chapter 3 of Moby Dick without us already kicking him out is beyond me,” said a bewildered Sanchez.
At that point Philsmoore and Sanchez attempted to take the book from the man’s hands.
“You’d think that it would be easy to pry a hardcover from the grip of an 89-year-old man, but he was fast!” exclaimed Dunleavy.
Wellington then made a dash for the nearby upward escalator. The whole while continuing to read the novel and increasing his volume to the point where everyone in the store could now hear the commotion.
“That’s when it got ugly,” said Sanchez. “He tripped on his way up the escalator and ended up face-down, yet somehow, feet first, while ascending the escalator. And he was STILL reading!”
“UPON ENTERING THE PLACE I FOUND A NUMBER OF YOUNG SEAMEN GATHERED ABOUT A TABLE, EXAMINING BY A DIM LIGHT DIVERSE SPECIMENS OF SKRIMSHANDER,” Wellington shrieked.
By the time the old man reached the top of the escalator, there were three mall security guards waiting for him.
Westchester Police confirm that Wellington is being charged with disorderly conduct after he received two warnings in previous months for shouting the lines from the Kama Sutra in Borders, and yelling phrases from Adolph Hitler’s Mein Kampf in a private Jewish-owned library.
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