Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries

Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries

Senegal, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Zambia and Chad are just a few of the 3rd World Countries whose public have recently gained access to the Internet and cable television; the results have been drastic and deeply saddening.

Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries
Dr. Margaret Chan, Head of WHO

Dr. Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organizations (WHO) says the tragedy appears to be brought on by culture shock and utter disgust.

“These starving and impoverished people are in awe of the terrible things they are seeing on television and across the internet. So, ironically, it seems that the government aid and various charity funding has resulted in the downfall of the people of these countries,” said Chan.

Man versus Food has been cited as one of the main causes of death. A show in which one bloated, obese, and sweaty man stuffs his face with ridiculous amounts of food, often to the point of vomiting. One Zambian, Sonkwe Meluhli, has seen half of her family members end their lives.

(Translated) “My father, my cousin, 2 of my brothers, and my only sister have all taken their own lives. We have been starving to death and living like worthless animals while you gluttonous, greedy sloths win millions of dollars on TV for eating the shit we eat on a daily basis,” said Meluhli, citing Fear Factor.

Indeed shows like Hoarders, The Biggest Loser, Survivor and What Not to Wear have left the poor, homeless, emaciated – and sometimes naked – 3rd world dwellers in disbelief.

“We’ve been here, IN THIS SHIT HOLE, for decades and now I come to find out that people have houses filled with too much CRAP?! People win money for being overweight and then getting to a somewhat ‘healthy’ size?!” Senegalese citizen Ibrahima Moussa shouted.

Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries
55-pound, Senegalese citizen Ibrahima Moussa

Picking up a dull machete, and then air-quoting, he continued.

“People are placed in a ‘REMOTE LOCATION’ for a very ‘LONG TIME,’ they then play games, and win prizes.  People have closets full of clothes, but the clothing isn’t good enough?!?!?!”

Dr. Chan says that WHO is laying out several options to try to curb the increasing number of suicides.

“We have a few things on the table. We might try to cut their newly created power grids, or possibly ask Americans to stop wasting money and time making awful shows, and being fat and lazy, and instead do something meaningful,” said Chan.

We are leaning toward the power grid idea because it’s the easiest for both Americans and 3rd world citizens.  Americans can then go back to avoiding, not caring, or not knowing about the terribleness of reality.

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