Somewhat Popular Pornography Genre Takes A Dive in Revenue

A recent in-depth study by the American Pornography Society (APS) reveals that the massive ongoing sex scandals in the Catholic Church have considerably hurt the “religious pervert on preteen” genre of the multi-billion dollar adult industry. Steve Owens, the head of Research and Development at APS tearfully released the shocking information late Friday night. “It’s…

Grandma is a Taylor Swift Fan

I may be old, but this little choice bit of calico really is the bee’s knees. I mean it. She’s a bearcat, hotsy-totsy that is more than allowed to give the icy mitt…

BP Won’t Stop Oil Leak, Enjoying Attention

British Petroleum(BP), announced today that it could have stopped the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico almost immediately, but they chose not to.

Michael Stedmier, head of BP public relations, released a statement today saying that, “Basically, none of this ever had to happen.”

New iPhone Application Encourages Users to Drive Drunk

“You are swerving,” the program warns, ” try closing one eye.”

Additionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White, and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.

While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting

Just Bought My Granny Panties

I Just bought my Granny Panties. I have to say I’ve never felt more confident to make a questionable farting decision while in public. The world is your oyster when your underwear is your toilet.

Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

Additionally, an anonymous McConnell aid said when he was first elected, McConnell declined having a desk and instead opted for a giant artificial rock and heat lamp. This is where he ended up spending most of his “working hours” sleeping – only rarely getting up to urinate or defecate in the corner of his office.

Focus On The Family Focuses on Yours

Hey there, it’s me, Focus on the Family. Just uhhhh…. well there’s no easy way to say this. I was minding my business the other day when I decided I would take a peek in a window or three… five, who’s counting right?…

Johnson & Johnson unveils new ‘Extra Tears’ baby shampoo

(New Brunswick, NJ) A new shampoo by Johnson & Johnson containing extra chemicals to induce a mild burning sensation in a newborn’s eyes reached store shelves today. The company introduced the product after years of research showed that many parents were looking for fairly harmless ways to get back at their babies for the countless…

Man Kicked Out of Barnes & Noble for Reading Out Loud

“At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same ‘what the hell are you staring at’ look that Debra had described.”

Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn’t even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.

“It was like he was mocking me. The old bastard wouldn’t quit.”

Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries

Man versus Food has been cited as one of the main causes of death. A show in which one bloated, obese, and sweaty man stuffs his face with ridiculous amounts of food, often to the point of vomiting. One Zambian, Sonkwe Meluhli, has seen half of her family members end their lives.